Disclaimer: This article is automatically retracted in the event of the Eurozone’s collapse and subsequent mass starvation. Some/all of the following may not be true.
Speculation is growing that, contrary to the conventional wisdom that Greece’s membership is in danger following massive financial meltdown, the country is actually secretly fucking loaded, and plans to make a bid to buy the Moon. The controversial plans are allegedly intended to increase Greek diplomatic power by controlling everything in the world, via the Moon. “Tides, weather, tectonics, periods and wolves.” One source said “All of the major centres of power in the modern world, basically.” Allegations that none of Greece’s famed astronomers and scientists ever died, but are actually immortal wizards living on the moon are as of yet, unfounded.
When asked to comment, Greek Prime Minister Panagiotis Pikkramenos merely shrugged uncomfortably and avoided the question, asking “What? What is a Moon? I don’t even know what you’re talking about, jog on mate”, in a manner similar to many British MPs’ response to Jeremy Paxman’s questioning, fuelling rumours further, and causing a dramatic rise in share prices in Greek businesses.
But what would all this mean for the global financial market? It could mean a significant boost to European growth, as stocks in Greek produce such as feta cheese and Ouzo soar, and investors move to be in close proximity to the new epicentre of global power. Others, however, have forecast far more pessimistic outcomes. Financial commentators turned professional doom-mongers have predicted some sort of apocalypse, and have called for European leaders to “chip in and buy Mars” because of its connotations with war and the heavens. Nick Clegg, when questioned, looked even sadder than usual.
Some, including have predicted widespread street rioting across the austerity-hit European countries. Manchester youths, famed for their redefinition of August 2011’s riots to include use of axes and hockey sticks, have offered support an advice for this outcome: “Let’s be blunt shall we, there’s really no actual fucking point if you’re not going to get into a Footlocker. Looting a Tesco’s all very nice, but F&F’s trainers are shit.”
Concern was heightened further after British PM David Cameron appeared to answer all questions on the crisis with lyrics from Jay Z songs. When asked what if the speculative crisis would trigger a return from austerity to growth measures in the UK, he simply stated that “No place in the world can compare, put your lighters in the air, everybody say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah”. The statement is believed to be with regards to Cameron’s constituency of Oxford, but no comment has been made by 10 Downing Street since the incident.It is still unclear how Cameron became familiar with US rap music.
The episode is reminiscent of the 2008 summit, outside which Sarkozy responded to questions about the future of European markets with: “I’m fuckin’ crazy with the kicks, call me Jean Claude”, believed to be a Tinie Tempah song.Psychologists area ttributing such outbursts to moments of severe stress, when a person’s mind actually begins to cry.
Obama seems to have taken a more measured response so far: “I mean, no one wants to see European populations go absolutely batshit. Apart from a few people in Middle America, but mostly, I’d say that’s a worst-case scenario. The speculation is, at the moment, uncertain, but if this Moon thing turns out to be true, I think we’ve still got a few of those Star Wars weapons Reagan was talking about. I reckon they could take out the Moon, and the Eurozone could continue to crumble unhindered. To be frank, it might not even be my problem soon anyway. I’ll have moved to Greece.”
Allegations that the Moon will be hollowed out for use as a twenty-first century Trojan horse are unfounded, financial analysts say: “As far as I can see, that’s fucking nonsense”, said one slightly harassed looking expert “It’d just void the warranty of the thing and you’d never get a replacement if the gravity packed in.”
Pictured: The Moon 4s.