Posts tagged loud eating

I recently had an epiphany. I had just handed in a piece of coursework, when the secretary mentioned that she was going to need to find a bigger paperclip, since my submission was “weighty”. My heart stopped and my blood ran cold (in short: I panicked). “Is my essay bigger than all the others?” I asked, and for some reason, this was funny to unnamed-secretary AKA my nemesis. But it wasn’t funny. What if my essay was too long? Or it was on the wrong paper? And I failed my MA degree as a result? And ended up homeless and hooked on crank? I guess that could be funny to some people. Anyway the whole, harrowing experience made me realise: pointless anxiety is a really big part of my life. And as soon as I accepted this fact, I have been immeasurably more content.

So, I’d like to share a few of the little things I’ve been bogged down by recently, as a guide to anyone looking to become that little bit happier.

1.   People eating loudly. IT’S NOT OKAY, YOU GUYS. IT’S JUST NOT. I don’t want to hear what you’re eating, and I can, even though your mouth is closed. PLEASE STOP.

2.   Human bodily functions in general. You could probably trace this back to some fundamental difficulty I have with being a human being, but let’s keep this light and say I don’t like bodily functions.

3.   The fact that on every coursework submission I have made this year, I’ve misspelt my tutor’s name as “Huges” instead of “Hughes”. I think about this AS I am filling in the cover sheet on my essay, trying to will myself to learn from my mistakes, just this one time, and try not to let the errors of the past destroy my future, but it happens EVERY SINGLE TIME and I just don’t know why. Freudian slip?

4.   Aforementioned paperclip incident. Self explanatory; I’ve already traced the trajectory of having a weighty essay right to ending up a homeless crackwhore, so why wouldn’t this give me anxiety?

5.   What if I have a bone infection in my knee and I end up crippled, or dead? Just to provide a little bit of context: 2 weekends ago, in Llandudno, I was toppled whilst giving my friend a piggy back and grazed my face, shoulder and knee. My knee became infected, making me disgusted with myself, so I went to the Doctor’s and they put me on antibiotics. Thus, my eyes were opened to a world of bone infections, septic joints, and potentially even death.

6.   Not being able to find my holepunch. How will I be able to punch holes in things? I like to live tweet when this happens, really ups the ante.

7.   I buy so much coffee from the Library’s Starbucks that the guy knows my order and makes it before I get to the till. I appreciate the efficiency, but so many things are weird about this that I don’t know where to start?

8.   My own birthday. Is 4 birthday parties too many? Do I make a Facebook event? What if no one RSVPs? What if everyone RSVPs but no one actually comes? What if everybody I know and care about forgets my birthday? Nothing makes me more anxious than my own birthday.

9.   I don’t think I care about Hollyoaks anymore. I watched the episode where George gets back from being trapped in a brothel, admits to the world that he was homeless and goes on a journey to find his past. I should have loved it. Everything about it was classic ‘Oaks. But I got… Nothing? When did this happen to me? And why? AM I OLD??

10.  The idea of getting burgled/killed whilst in the shower/naked. I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about this before, but I just don’t know what I would do?? I don’t have a shower curtain in my house this year either, just a big glass panel so I couldn’t even turn the shower off and hide. SADFACE.

They’re all fairly specific anxieties but I’m sure you get the picture. Embrace your weird and be happy. Here’s a shorter list of things it’s probably best not to get bogged down about if you want contentment:

1.   Not having any money

2.   The future

3.   Things that actually matter

People might tell you that these are the things worth worrying about, but I’d say that life’s much better when you don’t think about them. Until you hit rock bottom, and finding that the only way to get by is trapsing around stealing bread from market stalls with your dog/cat/animal familiar, Aladdin-style, because you can’t even make it on the game.

So that was my guide to how to be a little bit happier in your life. YOU’RE WELCOME, WORLD!

Because every time I’m actually required to do something productive, my mind starts to cry and I impulsively grapple for anything that will distract me from said task.

1. Actually read the books I’m referencing in my Literature Review. Because one of the main things about this proposal that’s causing me to freak the flip out, is the fact that I’m not entirely sure what I’m talking about? I JUST DON’T HAVE TIME TO FIND OUT :(
2. Eat lots of bread. A more attractive option than trying to express why a decent uni should give me £18k, and, honestly, a more attractive option than most other things. Particularly since I’ve realised that there is no good reason why any decent university should give me £18k.
3. Buy a pair of vintage, high-waisted Levi’s jeans. To make me feel better about all the bread I’ve been eating instead of writing my proposal.
4. Sleep. Although I’m currently averaging on 13 hours per day, this doesn’t appear to be enough.
5. Alleviating the melacholy that having no money and one too many deadlines has brought about by fuelling my materialism and buying myself presents. In particular, these bad boys: http://www.urbanoutfitters.co.uk/vintage-renewal-levis-901+reg-denim-jeans/invt/5414462090043/&bklist= I’d love some new headbands and hair accessories too. This is the kind of thing that becomes TOP PRIORITY when I have work to do. Because, you kow, my head apparatus is just how I express myself you guys, so it’s super important that I have a wide range of options for this.
6. Similarly, I’d like to make the most of my time as a student, and be able to spend as long as I want browsing vintage shops. Because that kind of behaviour just won’t cut it when I have to get a job.
7. Watching the daffodils on my desk at home bloom. I did this last week when I didn’t want to write my Historical Theory essay - great fun. I have moved myself to the University Library to prevent myself from repeating this colossal waste of time.
8. Spend most of the day sitting in bed, watching old episodes of ER (Season 8 is the best one), drinking gin, looking at photos of when I was still an undergrad, and crying to myself because it’s over. Some might call this an anxiety attack, but I prefer to refer to it as the feeling of reality dealing you a body-punch to the soul.
9. Having a stern word with the boy sat next to me about his spectacularly loud eating a drinking habits, and his apparent need to drum on the desk whenever he is talking on Facebook chat. Unacceptable, by my standards.
10. Working on the Stalinism essay I’m also supposed to be doing. NB. If I was actually working on my Stalinism essay, then I can offer a 100% guarantee that I would wish I was working on my PhD proposal.

And there you have it. A list of the reasons why I don’t deserve PhD funding, and why ‘“The female half of the human race is doubly oppressed under capitalism”: changing constructions of gender and equality in the early Soviet state, 1917-1939.’will never be known by the world.